André de Beer André de Beer

There I was, slowly decomposing on the coach in front of the blank TV. Couldn’t get the remote to work, probably the batteries went and faded on me. Not that I even know what the batteries look like. There is always somebody with more agile fingers than my arthritic knobby stubs around who knows the ins and outs of any remote. Never had to switch on a TV by myself before. Always ‘n younger, nimbler person around to do that sort of thing without me having to exert myself.

Now I can’t get the thing to work at all.

So there I was, all alone in the house with only the dogs to keep me company, snoring and twitching away on the carpet, occasionally fouling up the air with a silent little one slipping out. The wife went off to her sister. The son is away gallivanting in Gangster’s Paradise on a supposedly business trip.

Had a most tiring day at the office. Came home to feed the dogs and squirt disinfectant on all the most inconvenient places were the cats go to relieve themselves on the furniture. Debating whether to reheat some of the left overs from lunch or pop a frozen TV dinner in the micro wave. Which fortunately does not require a remote control.

Feeling a bit out of sorts really and thought a stiff drink would be just the thing to brighten things up a bit. Scratched around but could not find anything worthy of the name of a drink in the house. They have locked away all the booze!

No way of getting at it without a little bit of B & E. Tried it though, but all I got was some bruised knuckles for my effort. I am daily surrounded by the little buggers who I have to represent in court to protect their rights Small little kids, skinny and frail of only 16 years or less, who have no problem at all in getting into any house they choose. Carting away TV sets and such like which I can’t even lift without causing some serious injury. After stashing it they return to the same house for a second go and pushes off with even more stuff.

How ever do they manage it? I can’t even get into a locked cupboard. They enter a well burglar proofed house in minutes with no trouble at all. If they wouldn’t be so stupid as to try and sell the stolen goods to their own neighbor, the police would never even be the wiser.

Really very upsetting this. So now I sit here, stone cold sober and watch the blank screen, inhaling all the wholesomeness of the inner turmoil of the dogs’ digestive tracts.