Don't read it if you believe that some jokes are unacceptable!
Ulrich Flemming's translations of Christian Morgenstern:

The Two Asses

Not too enchanted with his life,
an ass once told his lawful wife,

"I am so dumb, you are so dumb,
the two of us should die now, come!"

But it should come as no surprise
that they decided otherwise.

The Picket Fence

A picket fence once could be seen
with space to look through in-between.

An architect who knew the site
appeared quite suddenly one night —

and took the space out of the fence
and built with it a residence.

The fence, by then, looked rather mean,
with slats and nothing in-between.

Since everybody hated it
the Senate confiscated it.

The architect, though, ran away
to Afri- or Americay.

***

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

***

Enjoy life - it has an expiry date.

***

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart -
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!

From Richard Krogh: The English lesson

***

The bird in the shit


***

Dieu a fait la France le plus beau pays du monde. Mais pour que les autres peuples ne soient pas jaloux, il a aussi fait les Français.


***

Precision driving - until the police comes


***

A photo to include in your CV

***

President Reagan's humour, 1981-89
Online nouzový chat Hygiena:
"Dobrý den. Manželka má teploty a začala kašlat. Obávám se, že má ten virus. Není na to nějaký lék, nějaký prášek, který bych mohl koupit?"
"Ne. Utratit..."
*uživatel Hygiena se odpojil*
"To jste mě moc nepotěšil. Ach jo ... Co se dá dělat, chápu, že zdraví lidstva je přednější, než život jednotlivce. Jdu na to...
Hotovo. Bude mi chybět..."
*uživatel Hygiena se připojil*
"Promiňte, spadl nám internet, už jsem zpět. Chtěl jsem říct, že utratit spoustu peněz za pochybné léky je zbytečné. Pokud u ní nenastanou vážné komplikace, stačí obyčejný paralen, klid na lůžku a dostatek tekutin."
Four British soldiers were captured by the Iranians, branded as spies and sentenced to death by firing squad. The quartet consisted of a Welshman, an Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman. They were each given one last wish.
The fellow from Wales said he would like to hear a thousand-voice Welsh choir sing Land of my Fathers.
The Irish chappie said he’d like to see a Thousand Irish men and woman do the Irish River Dance.
The Scot asked for a Thousand Scottish bagpipers to play "The Flower of Scotland.
Finally, when the Englishman asked what he wanted for his last wish he replied, "Please shoot me first."
Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that m' wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers, though."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 km/h. He says to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."
An explorer is walking down a path in the jungle when he suddenly finds himself surrounded by cannibals. "That’s it," he says. "I’m screwed."
Suddenly the heavens part and a Divine Voice says, "You are not screwed! Pick up a big rock and kill the king of the cannibals."
So the explorer picks up a big rock and kills the king of the cannibals, and he hears the Voice say "Now you’re screwed."
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.
A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"
The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"
And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."
A story told by a former protection officer of the Queen, Richard Griffin.
The Queen was walking in the grounds of Balmoral and met some American tourists (the estate is open to the public)
They asked her if she lived in the area and she said she had a house close by. Then they asked her if she’d ever met the Queen.
"No," she said, then she pointed at her protection officer and said, "But he has."
Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" the compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into..."Olympics".
At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle had slipped home for lunch.'
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determined wether or not it is long pipe or a short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes in for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right hand or left hand: otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor wether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe; it is unscrewed from the other.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card 'Rest in peace'.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, 'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location'.
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from?" I asked.
"Germany. There's fucking thousands of 'em!" said the parrot.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Better than calling LifeLine...
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "No! Buzz off you filthy old man!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump...
A man uploaded a photo of a cute German Sheppard pup, the ad reads:
This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home. Her name is Siobhan, she is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said, "Let me guess...
Smallcox?!"
A pilot stepped off her airliner and a small girl came up to her.
Girl (with huge eyes): Are you a pilot?
Pilot: Hi there. Yes, I am.
Girl: That must be really exciting.
Pilot: Not if I do it right!
Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I simply blew it".
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a man sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
The years 1981 & 2005 are two interesting years.
In 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool was crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope Died.
In 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool was crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope Died.
What does history teach us? What is the lesson learned?
The next time Charlie intends to get married, someone better warn the Pope.
Angela Merkel lands in Paris and is being questioned by a customs official.
"Occupation?" asks the official.
"Not this time," she says. "Just a visit."
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the 75 000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then that young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. "There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, Dad."
Never mess with the old uns!
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores.
American Police comments taken off actual police car videos around the country:

"Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson: 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus !'
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him any more! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
John McCain and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The Republican, John McCain, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into McCain's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.
Now you understand the difference.
Hillary's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
When asked for comments, Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election campaign --now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..... .Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: "Who's calling?".
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub and gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..."Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
The Donald is elected president...
On the first night he spends in the White House, he is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
He asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, he is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
He asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Do not bully the people."
He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
He asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
Why Men Are Never Depressed, Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
The United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'
"Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do.'
Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All us women
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example: A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let 'em stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hello?"
An old drover walks into the barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, Northern Territory for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years but, he asked, "Isn't it a bit dangerous? What would happen if I accidentally swallowed it?"
The barber replied, "No sweat mate, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home! Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Statistics released from The United Nations reveal that:
Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
A blonde was mowing the grass in her back yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Pick 'n Pay!
Why Pick 'n Pay?
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
Pick 'n Pay is the largest retailer in South Africa.!!!
There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Jedna cikánka měla devět dětí a když se jí narodilo desáté, rozhodla se, že si ho už nenechá, nemohla by ho uživit,nedostala by na něj přídavky na děcka atd. Co s ním? Najednou ji napadlo, že její sousedka nemohla děti mít, a tak šla za ní. "Paní Nováková, vy jste taková milá paní, nechtěla byste moje děcko, já jich mám již hodně, vy nemáte žádné, u vás by se mělo jistě dobře."
Paní Nováková chvíli váhala, ale nakonec si dítě vzala, bylo zrovna před vánocemi, klid, pohoda.
Uplynul rok a ve stejnou dobu, zase o vánocích, přišla cikánka za paní Novákovou s dalším děckem a znovu říkala, jak ten její je takovej divokej a že se to zase stalo a ona že to děcko si nemůže nechat. Paní Nováková opět váhala, ale nakonec se rozhodla a dítě si vzala.
Uplynul další rok, opět před vánocemi, tatáž situace, další děcko. Cikánce to bylo již trapné jít za paní Novákovou, tak poslala manžela, ať zkusí to děcko vnutit paní Novákové. Manžel tedy zazvonil u Nováků s dítětem v náruči a začal starou písničku, jestli by.... a když jsou ty vánoce... Paní Nováková na chvíli odešla a když přišla, řekla:
"Pane Baláž, děkujem, ale my jsme se s manželem dohodli, že letos budeme mít kapra."
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I go to the street and tell a passerby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will be doing tomorrow.
I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my son, my dog and myself gardening, spending time in my pool and what great accomplishments I have made that day (or even years before).
I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it really works: I already have 3 people following me...two police officers and a psychiatrist.
A five-year old is learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Grandpa! It's a freaking elephant!'
Grandpa takes a deep breath, then asks...'What did you call it?'
'It's a freaking elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!'...and so it does...



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'A f r i c a n  Elephant'
I'm selling my pet Python on eBay.
A bloke just rang me up and asked if it was big.
I said, "It's massive."
He said, "How many feet?"
I said "None! It's a snake, you moron!!"
Mummy and Daddy Balloon have a baby balloon.
Whilst baby balloon was very young he was allowed to sleep with mummy and daddy but one day daddy had to take his son aside and say "sorry son but you're growing fast there is no room in our bed any more so you are going to have to sleep in your own bed from now on".
Baby balloon wasn't happy sleeping on his own and so crept into his parents room in the early hours let a little bit of air out of his mummy and then a little out of his daddy and then some air out of himself.
Daddy awoke in the morning and was really furious!
He dragged his son to one side and said "Son, you've let me down! your mother down! but worst of all you've let yourself down!"
JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
20 most profound things people thought of in the shower
1. The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
2. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
3. Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making "equels" - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective.
4. X88B88 looks like the word "voodoo" reflecting off of itself.
5. April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.
6. Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.
7. Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.
8. I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie.
9. Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.
10. Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.
11. When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.
12. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"
13. In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of people's lives.

14. We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.
15. Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.
16. Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.
17. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page
18. Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.
19. Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.
20. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.
Six retired mates were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
Teacher: "Maria, come up to the map and show the class where North America is located."
Maria: "Here it is."
Teacher: "You are correct. Now class, tell me who discovered North America."
Class: "Maria."
A squad of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured American what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. 'We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, Good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
Husband to wife: "Today is a fine day."
Next day he repeats : "Today is a fine day."
Again, the next day he says the same thing. Finally after a week, the wife couldn't take it anymore and asks: "For the last week, you have said. 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?"
Husband : "Last week, when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was trying to remind you!"
His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin' he responded,' and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my new flight instructor?'
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
Heaven is where the Police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1000."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: ---"Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: ---"Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story--Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying. . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!"
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK?
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you over take the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He just has to open his mouth and ask...It's really very simple...Like you!
At the office of the French president the phone rings. Mister Hollande answers it and from the other side of the line a voice says: "This is Paddy from Ireland. I am ringing you from The Old Dublin pub to inform you that we officially declare war on you!"
Hollande replies: "Well Paddy, that is indeed important news. How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Hollande laughs amused and says: "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100.000 men in arms waiting to move on my command."
"Fuck me!" says Paddy. "I’ll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?", Hollande asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor."
Hollande again seems rather amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6.000 tanks and 5.000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150.000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I’ll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200.000 men!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Hollande. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fucking way we can feed 200.000 prisoners.
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
A buxom woman walked into a church topless.
The priest saw her and said, "Excuse me young lady, you must be suitably attired to come in here."
"I have a divine right!", she said.
"You have a divine left too", said the priest, "But to come in to my church you have to put on a shirt!"
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk...and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
This is a frightening statistic! Probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated.
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." --- Then He made the earth round...
WHATEVER YOU DO ALWAYS GIVE 100% - UNLESS YOU ARE DONATING BLOOD.
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded.
Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."
"A psychologist?" I replied, "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"
"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone, "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once.
She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said "What a shame... What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son, I love him and he hasn't done too bad for himself either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Amstel, Carling, Castle, Hansa, Heineken or Windhoek. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A fuck", Paddy replies.
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."
He turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."
The lawyer says to the CEO: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first."
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of 2 million!"
The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary."
The Hypnotist at a Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre where York was staying.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotised.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"Shit!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre - and Claude was never invited back again.
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
- Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure!)

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
- When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

- The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

- The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you, child)

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
There used to be milk deliveries in bottles - here is a collection of notes for the milkman left in returned empty bottles:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P S Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!!"
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
There were five churches in a small Texas town:
A Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The METHODIST CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate.
Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering unit was on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a Chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:
"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained Chihuahua will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?
"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat - shoot the dog."
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my ageing friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other...'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy...
Greek jokes from the fourth or fifth century:
A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim.

A miser writes his will and names himself as the heir.

Consulting a doctor, a fellow says, 'Professor, I'm unable to lie down or stand up; I can't even sit down.' The doctor responds: 'I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself.'
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirins and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirins".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."
These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it...

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you ! think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?!
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Always keep a positive attitude!!!
Thursday night he gradually came to, stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
A Muslim dies and by some handling error ends up in heaven. He's stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says: "Sorry, but we don't allow Muslims into Heaven.
What? Replies the Muslim, and why not?
Well, we just don't!!
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.
Well, says St Peter have you ever done anything good in your life?
Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children's charity so I gave her ten pounds.
Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds too!
Alright then says St Peter wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.
Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
Listen, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me... Here's your 30 quid back, now fuck off!!!
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye---they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid. There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water. There is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake...some of us have got homes to go to!'
David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror. After about five minutes the driver says,
"OK, give me a clue".
Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in the USA and got over 100 caps for England. Is that enough?".
The driver says: "No you thick clod, where do you want to go?"
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and have sex with her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's whore!" came the reply.
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you."
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape...Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal...

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole."
The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches.
His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England.
The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology...

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to afeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Ca scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Unfriendly female
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of pay for working at night - normally more money than days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post operative - A letter carrier
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Tablet - A small table
Terminal illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
These are genuine answers from 16 year olds:
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q...What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinent
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure?)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere) Ten ways to terrorise a telemarketer:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

2. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them!
"I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?

4. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Sipho! Is that you? Oh my word! Sipho, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Sipho" a few brief moments of pause as he tries to figure out where he could know you from.

5. If Telkom calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... Would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could really use some money.

7. Tell the telemarketer you are under "house arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

8. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

9. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

10. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon , cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?", he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Alex had tears running down his face. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
Technical support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"...on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex...
Husband says: Sukitak...
Wife replies: Kowanini...
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
And YOU just sit there, reading this shit as if you understand Japanese!
Unbelievable!!!
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "I have no idea, I've never got this far before."
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear...
1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Two Irishmen sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shakes his head and asks, "Why the hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" replies Mick.
"Go on them bikes for miles and miles, up and down the hills, round the bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's icy, raining, snowing, hailing. Why would they torture themselves like that?"
"It's all for the prestige and the money," says Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?"
"Yeah, I understand that," says Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
A man says to his wife: "Listen, dear. This is important. I want you to promise me that if ever I am reduced to a persistent vegetative state, you will switch the machine off."
So she gets up and unplugs the TV.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loved anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend…
MORE WRITING ON HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with new guests.
The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
From My Perspective:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2.. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3... You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
4.. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
5.. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6.. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7.. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
8.. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9... Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."
--------------
"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."
--------------
"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
--------------
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK HOLIDAYS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
"They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. "
"I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
"My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-embursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place..'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World"
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happened, Manu?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happenned! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?...My wife, yes my Marie, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. There is something odd about this story. Marie would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation..." "Marie didn't receive your email!!!"
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow," she said excitedly, "you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No," he said, "it's turned black.
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Yes," says Paddy, "sticks".
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something to confess.'
'There's no need,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just lie back and let the poison work.'
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
MEDIEVAL PICK-UP LINES
"Been there, slain that."

"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

"You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you ... the fate of England depends is on it!!"

"Your hovel or mine?"
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury tochange the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. France was not involved.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.


Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
After a very busy, tiring day at the office, the young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed the station.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice ....
"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the woman sitting next to him, who was obviously annoyed by his continuous loud blabbing, yelled "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off, and come back to bed!"
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
An elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
One day, the president of the corporation starts calling in his senior vice presidents, one by one for a short talk. Then he starts calling in the junior vice presidents, one by one. Then he proceeded to call in all the rest of the company's officers in order of seniority. Finally he calls in the new office boy. The office boy is petrified (he has never met the president before). The president tells the office boy to sit down, and then bellows at the boy;
"Have you been fooling around with the new Secretary?"
The terrified office boy stammered out:
"No, sir."
So the president says: "Good, then you fire her!"
HOME REMEDIES THAT REALLY WORK!

1.    If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2.    Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3.    Avoid arguments with the Missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4.    High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5.    A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6.    If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, and then you will forget about the toothache.
The train was quite crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should beput in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
Yossel worked in a Ukrainian pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it,
And he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
CAT HAIKU POETRY

The food in my bowl
Is old, and - more to the point -
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Car repair workshop. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

A motel. Highly recommeded by owner.

A country store. We buy junk and sell antiques.

A jewelry store. Ears pierced while you wait.

A photography studio. Have the kids shot.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How loving they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied ..."I tried once but she slapped me."
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
The wife left me a note on the fridge:
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.
WOMEN, who can understand them?
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going...
The driver won £52!
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....some ass hole's got my pen!'
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
RULES FOR DOG OWNERS
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 73 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he said, "And does she still have the hiccups?"
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us.
Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!!!"
A Touching Christmas Story:
A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the precinct was packed.
Walking through the precinct the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her phone to call her husband to ask him where he was because she was so upset.
The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewellery store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
His wife, crying, said, "Yes I remember that jewellery store."
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it!"
A group of pre-school children were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first lesson.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words, she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana'.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words".
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?'"
(I love this...)
Alex thought really hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'.
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3:?)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
(Les Dawson)
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Blonde Payment Plan.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellllloooooo just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese...'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese..'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg...no mattah...all same...
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,’ he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry George.'
'But I thought you hated George,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
I really don't get karaoke, I just don't see the point of it.
I mean, if I wanted to see a hopeless drunk murder an Amy Winehouse song, I would have gone to an Amy Winehouse gig.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband, "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"
From a book called Disorder in the Courts
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral!
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Interesting piece of history:
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, 'Stupid American docttah, orways want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks...
falls off by itself!'
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE ROYAL MARINES.
Three dogs were sitting together in the waiting-room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black labrador turned to the yellow labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab asked, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow lab, "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The black lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black lab said.
The black lab then turned to the great dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the great dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The black and the yellow lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts-off for you too, huh?"
The great dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..
6. Our neighbour's 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Brian says, 'I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
His mate continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Brian. Women like that are hard to find.'
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "I don't know! It's your plane!"
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying: 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God replies 'We are over our quota on travellers'. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the Pearly Gates'.
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that's cool."
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family Ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch with $600, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her and it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'." The operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly...'com-for-da-bul'."
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion
"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history...Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then licks her tight little butt cheeks and then rolls her over and licks her crotch until she has the orgasm of her life. Then the lion rests his head at her feet, and falls asleep!
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and cays, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.
He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends".
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.....'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!'
The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia, I am not from Britain!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work'
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.
Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel.
He asks for a room and puts a €100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes €100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay €100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the €100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his €100 back and departs.
There was no profit or income.
But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!"
The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Italian said............
"I wiped my hands on the bedspread!"
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
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No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
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WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
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HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
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WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
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WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
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On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
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WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
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WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
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The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
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The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
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IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
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HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One...Two...Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"
Two men go camping together but after a week or so alone in the woods they are beginning to get on each other’s nerves so they decide to spend a day apart, each hiking in different directions so that they can clear their minds. Then they will get together at the end of the day and relate their experiences with the hope that the time apart will help bring them together. So the next day each goes his separate way, leaving before the sunrise. At the end of the day they each return to camp and over a beer at the campfire, they relate their experiences. The first man says, "Man, I couldn’t have made a better choice. I hiked off into the mountains before the sunrise and watched the sun rise out of the mountains. Simply spectacular. By noon I was at a crystal clear lake - I could have been the only person in the universe. I skinny-dipped under a waterfall. Later a deer came up and ate a carrot out of my hand. Later, I hiked back and watched the sun set into the mountains. Glorious. What a day."
The second camper says, "Well it seems like you had quite a nice day. Me, I had hike off into the valley yesterday, thorns and briars the whole morning. Finally, I came upon some railroad tracks and decided to hike them for awhile. Then I came upon this really stacked, naked chick tied to the tracks. So I whipped out my hunting knife and cut the ropes and we made love all day. In every imaginable position, too - backwards, forwards, upside down - you name it."
The first camper is taken aback, "I had a great day," he says, "but I must admit I’m really jealous. That’s unbelievable what happened to you. Was she a good kisser?"
"I don’t know," says the first camper, "I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn’t find her head...."
A black man walks up the front desk at an exclusive golf course.
"Hi" he says, "May I register?"
The old white man behind the desk looks at the man and says.
"I'm terribly sorry sir. But this is a members only club. There is a municipal course just 10 minutes down road."
Upset, the man says to the clerk, "Yes I know, I would like to register here please".
The clerk pauses for a second then repeats, "I'm afraid you'll need to go to the municipal course. It's 10 minutes down the road"
The man, clearly annoyed spits, "Excuse me. But I am Linford Christie. I won a gold medal at the Olympics".
"Oh I'm terribly sorry Mr Christie" says the clerk, "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road!"
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
Ron Barassi: 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
Gary Cowton: 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?