Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A black one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button?
Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it.
Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen?
Customer: .....Oh!.....wait a minute.....I hadn't inserted it yet.....it's still on my desk.....sorry.....
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Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer over and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer...
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the room.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274.
Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can't open Yahoo calendar.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes... five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Hotmail.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: ...Who the hell transferred this call to me???
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point. The guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
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And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now hit the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tec support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"...on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY...
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
4. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be
godddess-of-FIRE@companyname.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
9. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised hair dancing.
10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
11. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
13. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours".
14. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em turned up.
15. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think".
16. Practice making fax and modem noises.
17. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
18. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
19. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
20. Ask people what sex they are.
21. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
22. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
23. Specify that your drive thru order is "to go".
And the final way to annoy people:
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
