The Rolling Stones: "You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes,
you might find...
you get what you need."


Billy Joel:
"Everyone goes South, every once in awhile."


Rules of life...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. Never lick a steak knife.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program .
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
32. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
34. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
35. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


Rewriting the dictionary ...

Improve your vocabulary

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

Someone who is fed up with people.

The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

Grape with a sunburn.
Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

Something other people have, similar to my character flaws.


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. -- How could anyone stoop so low?
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? -- Everybody won.
Disabled toilets. -- Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! --- Except that one where you're naked in church.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I am a nobody. --- Nobody is perfect. --- Therefore I am perfect.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
In a Nairobi restaurant:
In a cemetery:
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Hotel, Japan:
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
A laundry in Rome:
Son: "Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries."
Dad: "That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!"
Harar the Horrible: "Sitting here, thinking all day, has left me with one unshakable are very uncomfortable!"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop and watch the pilot sweat.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law."
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Do you want to hear a joke about sodium? --- Na
I have so much debt, I could start a government.
At what age is appropriate to tell my dog that he is adopted?
Never ask Google for a medical advice.
I've gone from mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks.
Would you mind repeating the part where you were not talking?
I might wake up early and go running and I also might win the lottery.
The odds are about the same.
I used to think that the brain was my most important organ.
Then I wondered, "What is tellinmg me that?"
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
A car hits an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
A doctor held a stethoscope to a man's chest. The man asked, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. (3 children's writings)
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
The speed with which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" inversely proportional to the severity of the trouble that's coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need...not all this, "How did you get into my house?" business!
On average, an American man will have s*x two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have s*x only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?
Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!
We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
Being old means that you sometimes forget to pull up your's worse when you forget to pull it down.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
#1 reason a gun is favoured over a woman...YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!
She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Jonathan Winters:
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Warren Tantum:
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
George Roberts:
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
Robert Benchley:
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robin Williams:
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robert De Niro:
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where,of course, men are just grateful.
Dustin Hoffman:
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Jerry Seinfeld:
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Steve Martin:
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Oscar Wilde:
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
George Burns:
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)
Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

A: If it is less than 90 degrees, it is a cute angel.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Eric: "Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
Ernie: "You mean, 'I saw'."
Eric: "Sorry, who was that eye saw I seen you with last night."
Marketing manager, United Parcel Service: "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division: "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
The three words men hate to hear most during sex: 'Are you in?'
The three words women hate to hear most during sex: 'Honey, I'm home!'
According to news reports, a recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I thought my vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant, but all it did was change the colour of the baby.
Worrying works. 90% of things that I worry about never happens.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing.
For women: When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".
Keep the dream alive - hit the snooze button.
Crying when cutting onions? The trick is not to form emotional bond.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment...Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree...That makes it a plant which means...Chocolate is salad!!!
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Scientists say they've located the gene that causes obesity.
Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he's the inventor of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I did not know you could yodel!
"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."
"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."
"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Say what you want about deaf people...
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. France was not involved.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
From Church bulletins:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I upped my pledge - Up yours!'