Sayings

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
- Betsy Salkind

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
- Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
- Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
- Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
- Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
- W. H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
- Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
- Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
- Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
- Jimmy Durant

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
- John Glenn

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
- Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
- George Roberts

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Robert Benchley

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
- Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
- Desmond Tutu

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness...But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it...
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.