* Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
* Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
* Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening', then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
