Jokes by Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently from most of us, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses side-saddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

4. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained

5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie

6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp

7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash

8. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver

9. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon

10. Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up if you've been run over by a steamroller

11. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline

12. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam

13. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood

14. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you

15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

17. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there
The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex

4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously

5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease

6. Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes

7. Glibido: All talk and no action

8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

9. Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with