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Jehova Witnesses

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Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A A A D D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on on the hall table first.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
By JOHN CLEESE
British writer, actor, and a tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
The clock-hands were closing like scissor blades on midnight, snipping off another day.

She was throwing herself away, perhaps, but she was taking careful aim.

They clucked over their grains of gossip.

Restless as a windshield wiper.

She listens to what you don’t say and never misses a word.

Her look hung a price tag on every object in the room.

As hard to catch as a waiter’s eye.

Irrevocable as a haircut.

Her hat always looked as if it had made a forced landing upon her head.

The secret was hushed about from place to place.

A famous politician trying to save both his faces.

I won’t be highbrow beaten.

The kind of man who remembers your age but forgets your birthday.

As unplanned as a hiccup.

He dresses like an unmade bed.

As uncomfortable as an after-thought.

He had a good memory and a tongue hung in the middle of it.

Her line of conversation was as interesting as a laundry list.

Her voice stamped its foot just a little.

She didn’t want advice: she only used you as a waste basket for her worries.

He talks like a dictionary on its best behaviour.

He received the news with his eyebrows.

The town was so small that when the train stopped, the engine was out in the country.

She has a small mind but knows it thoroughly.

He felt like a wet towel flung into a corner of a bathroom.

To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest river and crossed he wildest desert.
She left him. He was never home.
My sister-in-law, sending some home made cookies
to brighten my Christmas in Vietnam, wasn’t taking any chance with my health.
A note on the outer wrapping read: "If this package arrives after 10 January, give it to the enemy."
During my second year at Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington, I was having trouble deciding
on a major.
In an agonizing discussion with my adviser, I decided to double major in astrophysics and theatre.
Getting up to leave, I said, "Thanks for your help. But what am I going to do once
I graduate?"
My adviser shrugged. "You could be a star," he said.
Ambling down the road Jack came across one of his neighbours. "How are things, Jack?"
"Terrible," he answered, "That wife of mine has cleared off again, that bone idle son of mine lays in bed all day, and my daughter is pregnant and doesn’t know who is the father. On top of all that my shoes are worn out and I can’t even afford to replace them".
"Well", said the neighbour, "that’s pretty awful, there doesn’t seem to be much I can do to help, although I do have a pair of shoes that you can have". A couple of weeks later Jack once again bumped into his neighbour and who enquired how things were going.
"Awful", said Jack, "That wife of mine is still missing, my son won’t get out of bed, my daughter gave birth to a baby and it’s black".
"The only time I get any relief is when I take these bloody shoes off!"
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."
Someone tried to return a defective item without a receipt.
After explaining that I could not find where she had paid for the item, she yelled back, "It’s not my fault you people didn’t catch me!"
It’s a problem that the machine I use to do my work also has a function where you can shop for a new duvet cover for three hours.
Client: Can you make that colour better? Or maybe use a cooler font?
Me: That’s really not helpful feedback.
Client: OK. Make it nicer, then.
A linguistics professor is lecturing.
"In English," he says, "a double negative forms a positive. But in Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language in which a double positive forms a negative."
A student at the back of the room snorts, "Yeah, right."
My wife and I decided we’ll need a vacation once the world re opens.
I taped a world map to the refrigerator, gave my wife a magnetic dart, and said, "Wherever it lands is our vacation spot!"
Seems we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Confronting my husband, I demanded, "How come you never tell me I look pretty?
Even my sisters tell me I look pretty sometimes."
"Your sisters are absolutely right," he said grandly, "you do look pretty sometimes."
Spotting a candle in my dentist’s bathroom with the helpful inscription "CALMING," I smiled cynically and thought, Oh sure.
Later, as I nervously settled into the dental chair, I told my dentist that his candle wasn’t working.
He replied, "That’s for us."
My dad, a pastor, was attending a national Nazarene convention when a woman pointed to an empty seat and asked, "Is this seat saved?"
Dad replied, "No, but we’re praying for it."
At times, student evaluations meant to put professors on the firing line reveal more about the pupils who wrote them:

"There was too much math expected of us."
Course title: Math for Special Education Teachers.

For a European History to 1500 course, a student was upset that I didn’t include more about China during World War II.

"Too many women writers."
Course title: American Women Writers.

The student evaluation that I remember to this day: "He knows more than I do and that makes me feel bad."

"She should wear more green."

"Professor wanted to be here less than we did."
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even own bikes.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
A: What does "IDK" mean?
B: I don't know.
A: Ugh! Nobody does!
A lawyer had an operation. He woke up in his hospital room afterwards and saw that all the blinds were shut.
When he asked the nurse why, she said, “There was a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think that the operation had failed!”
🦸🏻‍♂- Not even in my wildest dreams, did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.

✋🏻🤚🏻- Never thought my hands will one day consume more alcohol than my liver...never!

😷 - I’m starting to like this mask thing... I went to the supermarket and saw two people I owe money to, they didn’t recognize me.

💀 - Quarantine.. seems like a Netflix series...just when you think its over, they release the next season.

📆 - Who was complaining that 2020 didn’t have enough holidays...now what?

😜 - I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive in excess weight!

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 - Can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family...
or can we change?

🖥 - In just two weeks, we will hear if there are still two more weeks to let us know, that two more weeks of quarantine are needed...

⏳ - I’m not planning adding this 2020 year to my age...I didn’t even use it!

😟 - We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.

🙎🏻‍♀ - To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them... how are you doing?

🚰 - My washing machine only accepts pyjamas...I put in a pair of jeans and a message came back that reads.. “stay home”!😷🏠

👀- If I see anyone on December 31 crying for this year ending, I will use a bottle on their head!

💉 - After all that we have been through, the only thing missing is that the vaccine will be available only in suppository form.

👨‍🦱👩🏼‍🦱 - I feel like a teenager... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, wondering what to do with my life, and grounded at home.
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.
My wife teaches young children.
One of her pupils was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?”
“No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mummy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.”
INTERVIEWER: Would you call yourself a hard worker?
ME: Absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
My last New Year’s resolution was to lose ten kilos.
I missed it by 15 kilos!
Husband: Don’t be angry at me, but I accidentally spilled grease all over the oven.
Me: How about I won’t be angry at you, but you have to clean it.
Husband: I’d rather you be angry at me.
During my interview today, I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a bit.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.
I simply replied, “No, I just always give 110 percent.”
I’ve never wanted to be the kind of successful that requires getting to an airport before 7 a.m.
I had been trying to prepare my seven-year-old daughter for a new baby in a few months, but she kept insisting, “No boys in our house!”
When the big day arrived, my daughter came into the hospital room. I told her, “The baby is a boy. What are we going to do?”
She placed both hands on her hips and, without missing a beat, said, “I guess we’ll have to love the little thing!”
Alexander Graham Bell’s first telephone was absolutely useless until he made his second one.
I landed me in a rehab center, connected to oxygen 24 hours a day.
One day the oxygen ran low, so I asked an attendant for a fresh tank.
“You’ll have to wait,” she told me. “We’re out of tanks and waiting for a delivery.”
As she walked away, she muttered, “This wouldn’t happen if patients would just stop using ’em all up.”
We have a team member called Jimmy who has a habit of writing rude, dismissive messages to difficult customers.
If they complain about Jimmy, we apologize and say he’s been fired.
Of course, Jimmy is totally made up.
I hated going on job interviews until I realized the perfect answer to the question “What is your biggest weakness?” is “My interview skills.”
Since it was my first time in a Las Vegas casino, I asked an employee to walk me through how the slot machines worked. He showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate and release the handle.
“And where does the money come out?” I asked.
He pointed to a far wall. “From that ATM, most of the time.”
"O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"
And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O’Leary replied.
PADDY: "Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname?"
SHAUN: "Mick who?"
PADDY: "If you can guess how many pheasants I’ve got in me bag you can have both of them".
SHAUN: "Three".
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9...
Mrs O’Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it"
Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.
Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat.
"You’re not blind" she said.
"No, I’m not" said Paddy, "Its Murphy whose blind, I’m just filling in for him while he’s gone to the pictures".
"We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Christmas fund", said Paddy.
"Didn’t you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
"That’s the one we’re looking for", Paddy replied.
Father O’Flaherty asked Mrs O’Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply.
"That’s a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? He asked.
"I’m not, Father", she replied. "I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese"
The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going.
Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.
Are you visiting us tomorrow? D
o you need directions?

I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

What’s a GPS override?

My wife.
Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line in another country, did not speak English very well.
So I tried to explain it as simply as possible:
"I can’t get the computer to work."
"Ah, I see," he responded.
"You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment."
Bob Monkhouse:
They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers on his bus.

Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
A late arrival at the Nashville airport left me standing in front of a car rental agent one night. In a heavy southern drawl, she asked, "Can ah help y’ all?"
After processing my order, she said, "I have an Accent. Is that OK?"
"I don't mind at all," I said. "Being from New England, I have one, too."
She waited a minute before replying, "I meant the car. I have a Hyundai Accent."
During a class about the effects of weather, my high school science teacher asked, "Does anyone know the first sense you lose when struck by lightning?"
A classmate put her hand up and answered, "Your sense of humour?"
After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, "If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours."
She whispered back, "If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine."
SCENE: Bar
Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: you need to buy a drink first.
Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: "you need to buy a drink first." No spaces, all lowercase.
Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: " 'I am beautiful' is what tense?"
One student raised her hand. "Past tense."
SCENE: A sixth-grade class
Teacher: What are the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish?
Pupil: When my mom opened a can of sardines last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.
I recently asked a student where his homework was.
He replied, "It's still in my pencil."
My son and I were checking out a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, "Larry? I know you. We went to school together. I’m Elaine. Don’t you recognize me?"
I drew a complete blank.
She took out our old yearbook and showed me her graduation picture — still nothing. "Let’s look at your picture," she said.
She flipped the pages until she came to me. Under my photo I had written,
"Elaine, I will never forget you."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom!
After painting the bedroom walls, my husband prepared to put back the pictures.
"How should I hang them?" he asked me. "Too high or too low?"
Done with dating sites, I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car...and pizza.
What my girlfriend thought, first four dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
One lazy Sunday morning, as the wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table, I said, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."
She asked, "Now, why would you want me to do something like that?"
"I figure you’d eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?"
The skills section of your résumé is where you can impress hiring managers with your qualifications. Or not, as these real examples show:
• "I offer mediocrity at its best."
• "I’ve got a PhD in human feelings."
• "Grate communication skills."
• "Familiar with all faucets of accounting."
• "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
• "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
A rabbi, priest and imam are at the funeral of a mutual friend, and are discussing how best to express their admiration for him. The Imam suggests that they all put an amount of money into his coffin to be cremated with him, as a sort of burnt offering. He takes out his wallet, takes out a hundred-dollar note, and puts it into the coffin. The priest, not to be outdone, takes two hundred-dollar notes out of his wallet and places them in the coffin. The rabbi says that he will outdo them both and contribute three hundred dollars to the burnt offering. He takes out his cheque-book, writes a cheque for six hundred dollars, places it in the coffin, and takes out the three hundred-dollar notes as change. He then closes the coffin, and starts the conveyer belt that takes it to the incinerator.
Half of all employers know within the first five minutes of an interview if a candidate is a good fit for a position. It’s a wonder these people made it past the first five seconds.
• Candidate sang her responses to questions.
• Candidate put lotion on her feet during the interview.
• When asked why he wanted the position, candidate replied, "My wife wants me to get a job."
• Candidate had a pet bird in her shirt.
• Candidate started feeling interviewer’s chest to find a heartbeat so they could "connect heart to heart." My husband and I were at our lawyer’s office to sign our wills.
After we’d reviewed them, our lawyer leaned over his desk with pen in hand and asked, "Now, who’s going to go first?"
Life insurance agent to would-be client:
"Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to the kids.
Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, "I’ll have the chicken."
During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlour. "That was nice of them," he said.
She was unimpressed. "They only want me for my body," she grumbled.
My teenage brother phoned our mum to complain that there was no food in the house again.
She said she was sorry but that she'd been busy.
He continued, "There's not even bread." And then in more exasperated tones, "Even prisoners have bread."
Toddler walks by with a hammer.
ME: What are you going to make?
TODDLER: Noise.
Every time someone says, "I’m aware," I wait a couple seconds in case they add "wolf."
Last night I blew $5000 on a reincarnation seminar. I just thought to myself, "Screw it. You only live once."
You can't actually lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
My doctor told me that I need to lose some weight.
I said, “How?”
He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I asked, “What, pies, chips, that kind of thing?”
He said, “No, just don’t eat anything, Fatty.”
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
Will I understand the Sisteen chapel if I have not seen chapels one through fisteen?
I just want to be as tired at bedtime as I am all day at work.
When my grandson was four years old, he was a fussy eater. At a family dinner, his aunt asked him if he would like an olive and he declined.
"Have you ever tasted an olive?" she asked.
"No," he replied. "I don’t try stuff I don’t like."
Prepare your spouse for parent-hood by waking them up at 3 am to tell them it's not raining and then demand some cheese.
My son came home from a soccer match, and described the result as "We destroyed them nil-nil."
Feeling that I’d had a very productive day, I called my mother to brag.
“What’s it like having an awesome daughter?” I asked her.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “Why don’t you ask your grandmother?”
I’ve been single for such a long time now, that when somebody asks, “Who are you with?”, I just automatically reply, “Vodacom.”
A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the bank teller and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”
The puzzled teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
My very attractive 20-year-old PA came into my office, sat on the edge of my desk and asked if it was true that my girlfriend and I had split up.
When I confirmed it, she smiled and asked if I was ready to start seeing anyone else.
As a 38-year-old male, my ego was doing somersaults, but I questioned whether a relationship would be appropriate and I let her down gently by saying that it was too soon for me to be involved with someone again.
She smiled and said, “That’s a pity – you’d be just right for my mum.”
A farmer was wondering how many of his sheep had gone out to pasture, so he asked his sheepdog to count them.
“There are 40,” said the dog upon his return.
“That can’t be right,” said the farmer. “I only have 38.”
“I know,” said the dog. “I rounded them up.”
“I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”
“Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.”
“I thought we were friends, but I see you weigh less than me now.”
I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching and she was horrified to learn that her mother had bought the exact same dress for the wedding as her father’s young new wife.
Jennifer implored her stepmother to exchange hers, but she refused. So Jennifer’s mother agreed to buy a different dress for the wedding.
“Are you going to return the other dress?” Jennifer asked. “You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother smiled. “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
In a parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is an example of those teachings:

Getting a hairdryer through customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.
'The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.
'Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
One Sabbath, an Alabama preacher told his flock: "Someone in this congregation has spread a scurrilous rumour that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

"I am embarrassed, and I do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from our Lord and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued: "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a traffic-stopping body rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke: "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Hallelujah.
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..

"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter"
In Religion Class:
"Esther, repeat what I told you last time about Moses."
"Moses was the son of the Egyptian Princess."
"You weren't paying attention, Esther. The Princess just found him in a basket flying the nile."
"That's what she says..."
1.  When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.  

2.  The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3.  A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4.  After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.  An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.  A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. [Was a crime committed?]

7.  Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8.  As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.  They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.  The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10.  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired gruff Marine Corp Sargent Major of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Three old girl-friends rediscover each other via “Friends Reunited“ and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon.. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.
Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot and several cognacs, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in the armpit of England, kings lynn, with a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Brixton. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet a mother, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
It’s a very sad day.
I don’t normally post very personal things but a good friend of mine after 7 years of medical school and training has just been fired for one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
He's still paying off his student loans.
Sadly, this just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life.
Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and...a brilliant vet.
Study shows that eating ham while drinking a glass of good wine at each meal reduced the risk of becoming an Islamic Terrorist by exactly 100%.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, Milan or Tokyo, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh!!," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile," says the Coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.
The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken!"
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed train.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's chair back- rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken."
A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but they refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
A father texts his son: "My dear Son, "Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes, Your Father."
His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies: "I know."
A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
”Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
These are actual comments made by police officers:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.”
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- I had amnesia once...or twice.
- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
- Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- Is there another word for synonym?
- The speed of time is one second per second.
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
- My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- How can there be self-help "groups"? A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers." The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists. A Western tourist in Romania in 1980 sees a queue in front of a shop and asks a citizen:
- What are you queueing for?
- To buy meat!
- That’s strange. We don’t have queues back home. You pick up the product, you pay and you leave.
- Wow, you’re so backward! We had that 45 years ago!
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ass-hole !"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile ?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass-hole ?"
"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
The top 12 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, away from the operation theatre. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure you will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your licence?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your licence!"
The woman then gave the officer her licence.
"I see you are from Perth," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr....gurrr....king.'
Last Tuesday Australian Foreign Minister Rudd got out of a Commonwealth car in front of Parliament House.
He was carrying a piglet under each arm.
The Federal Police guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."
Rudd replied: "These are not just pigs. These are authentic Australian wild bush pigs."
I got one for the Treasurer Wayne Swan, and I got one for Prime Minister Gillard."
The Federal Police officer again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir."
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
David filled his car with petrol at a self-service petrol station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the petrol cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own petrol cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a petrol cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," David thought, "I lost my petrol cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."
In the beginning of the war, after the Germans had taken Holland, they built numerous decoy airfields, with wooden hangars and aeroplanes. After completing the contruction of one such site, a lone British aeroplane came in, circled one time, and then dropped a wooden bomb.
Hello! Gordon's pizza?
No sir, it's Google's pizza.
So, this is a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
OK. Take my order please.
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID, the last twelve times, you ordered pizza with three cheeses, sausage and a thick crust.
OK! That's it.
May I suggest to you this time ricotta and arugula with dried tomato?
What? I hate vegetables.
Your cholesterol level is not good.
How do you know that?
Through the health scheme subscribers' guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last seven years.
OK, but I do not want that new pizza - I am already taking a cholesterol lowering medicine.
But you have not been taking that medicine regularly. You only purchased one box of 30 tablets four months ago at Drugsale Network.
I bought some more from another chemist.
That's not showing on your credit cards.
I paid for them in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statements.
I have other sources of cash.
That is not showing as per you last Tax return, unless you got them from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL? That's enough ! I'm sick and tired of Google, Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp. I'm going to live on an island somewhere without the Internet where there are no cell phones and there's no one to spy on me any more!
I can understand that, sir - but in that case, you'll need to renew your passport. It expired five weeks ago !
Probudilo ji pískání.
Manžel píská nosem.
Nebo že by to byl ten komár na zácloně?
Zabila ho.
Pískání nepřestalo.
Takže je to ten komár.
A long time ago, before supermarkets killed everything, we had home deliveries every morning...some notes from that time:

** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

** Cancel one pint after the day after today.

** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

** Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

** When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

** Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

** lease send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

** Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

** My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..

** Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk.

** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly!' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid 6000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid 3000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also..

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
UP
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is plugged UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will takeUP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . .. . my time is UP!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? --- U  P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book...or not...it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says."He's decomposing."
Engineer Speak

Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws

Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of university

Engineer says: Close project coordination
Engineer means: We know who to blame

Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech

Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get it delivered

Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit

Engineer says: It is in process
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

Engineer says: We'll look into it
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now

Engineer says: Please read and initial
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake

Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done

Engineer says: Give us your interpretation
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!

Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely

Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

Engineer says: Rugged
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged

Engineer says: Years of development
Engineer means: One finally worked

Engineer says: Energy saving
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off

Engineer says: Low maintenance
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old man: "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
A plate of tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto would typically only be offensive to a vegetarian’s senses. But an unfortunate blunder in The Pasta Bible, published by Penguin Australia in 2010, recommended seasoning the dish with “salt and freshly ground black people.” Though no recall was made of the books already in circulation, the printer quickly destroyed all 7000 remaining copies in its inventory. An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral.
After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
"Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "
"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Benoni."
These are genuine answers by 16 year olds in America (received under the title 'Yes they do walk among us...and soon they will vote!')

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (E.g. the abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Be nign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of his death, he suddenly smell s the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There piled on a tray is his favourite scones. Was it heaven...? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years seeing to it that he left this world a happy man...?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon 'Fuck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral'...!
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine.
"Vote for Jacob Zuma, Vote for Jacob Zuma."
"Vote for Jacob Zuma, Vote for Jacob Zuma."
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, "Oh, thank you, Lord! At least Dopey is still alive."
Gatiep asks a prostitute, "How much?
She says, "R50 on the bed, R20 on the sofa, R10 on the grass".
He hands her R50 and says, "Let's go!"
She says, "R50! You are obviously a man of class".
He responds, "Fuck the class! - I'll have it five times on the grass..."
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!' then proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer reaches out and yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts, 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner...
'I think my missus might have caught a glimpse...'
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in.
She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer is broken."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He does not even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he is feeling, he wonders if he did something wrong.
Jack forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, And got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asks his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me!?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'"
Broken coffee table $239.99, hot breakfast $4.20, two Aspirins 38 cents. Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS!!!
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked to them and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just typically like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere!"
Written just below it..."I do not!"
Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A.The bonds mature.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked:
"Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied:
"I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted:
"Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jewish man,
"it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that".
"If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.
"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."
A male patient is lying on a bed in a hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse arrives, to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen now...are my test results back?"
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Diary of a woman: health club gym

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: This had me chuckling (which is a rather absurd thing to do on a Monday morning...!). Enjoy!
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!... It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the @*$@#* barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the *$@#*@ Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy...
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
Why I no longer golf with my wife
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that.
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
Potential and reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, and then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."
At a U3 concert in Belfast, Beeno asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Did you know that every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence.... "Well, stop @#$%ing clapping then!"
Moral: correlation and causation are not the same thing!
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"
The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street.This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the curio shop.
"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Muslim cleric, or anything French...
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. Who art in Heaven..."
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Moral: Learn from your mistakes!
A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I st art at $500 for a hand job."
The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500..
He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up.."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would... If I had a pussy!"
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
=========================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
=========================
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
=========================
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
=========================
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
=========================
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
=========================
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah........thank you.
=========================
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
=========================
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
=========================
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
=========================
Customer: Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
=========================
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
=========================
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
=========================
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
=========================
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
=========================
And last but not least...
Tech support: Okay, Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
A good pun is its own reword
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
All you ever wanted to know about tools...

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the components you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.