vila

 Rev. 24 September 2021

Some emails sent to 35vavruch
are not delivered to me.

Některé emaily poslané na 35vavruch se ztrácejí.

All the best to

  • Štěpán Vavruch
    20 September 1957
  • Martin Vavrouch
    20 September 1990
  • Radomír Vavrouch
    22 September 1940
  • Petra Brant
    27 September 1988
  • Olga Petrová-Barkerová
    29 September 1968
  • Petr Brant
    5 October 1950
  • Seelan Govender
    8 October 1976
  • Natalie Thiart
    12 October 1976
  • Birthdays, weddings & deaths
  • Data narození, svatby, úmrtí

When liberals called Trump the worst president in history Biden took that as a challenge.

***

After our Siamese kitten ran up our expensive curtains, snagging them, my wife took him to the veterinarian to have him neutered, hoping it would calm him down.
A few weeks later, my sister-in-law brought her new boyfriend over to meet us. Before entering the house, she offered him this bit of advice:
"Whatever you do, don’t touch the curtains."

***

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

***

I signed up for a Zoom workout class that was too advanced.
So when the instructor said, "Do a plank and bring your knee to the opposite elbow,” I did a modified version where I turned off my computer and made pancakes.

***

I was driving with my young twin grandsons when their mother called.
As we chatted over the car’s Bluetooth speaker, one of the boys yelled out from the back, "Hey, Mom, guess who this is? Is it me or Luke?"
After a slight pause, the boys’ mother remarked, "And he’s the smart one."

***

Boss: Experts say humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. I got one... Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

***

My four-year-old: Can we get a cat?
Me: No, they make me sneeze.
My four-year-old: Can you go away then?

***

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?" The mother says, "It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time.

***

Before heading out to the office, I asked my eight-year-old daughter, "So, do I look OK?"
She looked me up and down before giving me the thumbs-up and saying, "Not as bad as you did yesterday.

***

It’s crazy to think that my boyfriend existed and had a life before we met.
How did he live without me for all those years?

***

Dan, aged seven, was trying to open a bottle of paracetamol.
I took it from him, opened it easily, and explained, "It’s got a child lock on it, so that children can’t do it, because that could be dangerous."
Dan pondered for a moment, then asked, "But how did it know I was a child?"

***

A famous author was autographing copies of his latest book.
One man brought a copy of the book as well as copies of his previous two books.
"My wife really likes your books," the man explained, "so I’ve decided to give her autographed copies for her birthday."
"So, it’s going to be a surprise?" the author guessed.
"I’ll say," the man responded. "She’s expecting a new car."

***

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark.
So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

***

I went onto the Weight Watchers website earlier and it asked if I would accept cookies, which felt like a test.

***

Normal is what people are before you get to know them.

***

Henry had been a bus driver for the past 3 years, and loved almost everything about his job. He was by nature scrawny, meek, and quiet, but he enjoyed interacting and speaking with most of the people he saw on his bus. However, in the past 5 months, he had encountered a new nightmare that made him dread his daily route.
Every morning, at the same stop, a hugely muscled man would board the bus. Whatever the weather, the brute would be dressed in a skin-tight t-shirt, slightly sweaty while his muscles gleamed. He would step up, stare down at Henry, flex his chest and biceps threateningly, and growl, "Big John doesn’t pay." He would then go to his seat without a backward glance at Henry, leaving the poor driver feeling smaller than ever and ruining the rest of his day.
One day, Henry decided that he’d simply had enough. He poured his meagre savings into a gym membership and supplements, and spent practically every waking hour pumping iron. By dint of superhuman effort and dedication, he was completely transformed in just a few months. Not only did he have a new set of shiny muscles, his confidence and bravado were increased too. He couldn’t wait to see Big John again.
Sure enough, the very next morning Big John stomped up the bus again. "Big John doesn’t pay," he growled, adding a sneer for good measure.
Henry ripped off his seat belt, jumped to his feet, and thrust his nose right into Big John’s face. Flexing his arms, he growled back, "Oh yeah? And why not?"
"Because Big John has a bus pass."

***

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

***

Being a working mother, I am aware there are things in our home I tend to overlook. Recently, my 11-year-old son told me he had gained full marks for an essay entitled ‘My Home’.
Embarrassed, I read: "I wake up in the morning just as the sun’s rays are reaching the windowsill. I lie there until they shine on the big spider’s web in the corner of my bedroom, and then I know it’s time to get up."

***

While in paratrooper training school, I asked the instructor, "What happens if the parachute doesn’t open?"
"It’s guaranteed," he reassured me.
"If it doesn’t open, just bring it back."

***

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten.

***

Attempting to stay calm, I asked my five-year-old if there was a spider on my back.
He gave me a quick once-over, screamed and ran away.

***

During a job interview, the interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Um, I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years," I replied.

***

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.

***

"Madam, your son just called me an ugly swine!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look."

***

Thoughts from the Shower

* What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims."

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

Zacharias on his moped Zacharias Samuelsson on his moped
in August 2021

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petr _ vavruch at yahoo dot com



Some emails sent to 35vavruch
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Některé emaily poslané na 35vavruch
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