vila

 Rev. 8 March 2019

All the best to

  • Rudolf Vavruch
    15 March 1978
  • Harald Nilsson
    17 March 1955
  • John Patrick Barker
    17 March 1971
  • Estelle Samuelsson
    19 March 2009
  • Ellinor Samuelsson
    19 March 2009
  • Anriet De Beer
    20 March 1980
  • Zander De Beer
    20 March 1980
  • Bernt Wagner-Pommer
    23 March 1968
  • Michaela Veltruská
    24 March 1974
  • Magdalenka Veltruská
    24 March 2007
  • Petra Vavrouchová
    25 March 1964
  • Petr Lochovský
    28 March 1954
  • Linda Brant
    29 March 1981
  • Johan Pedersen
    2 April 1979
  • Vít Hendrych
    2 April 1990
  • Ivana Vavrouchová
    4 April 1950
  • Linus Brodén
    5 April 1984
  • Jan Hamza
    11 April 1931
  • Birthdays, weddings & deaths
  • Data narození, svatby, úmrtí


***

My husband and I were at our lawyer’s office to sign our wills.
After we’d reviewed them, our lawyer leaned over his desk with pen in hand and asked, "Now, who’s going to go first?"

***

Life insurance agent to would-be client:
"Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

***

After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to the kids.
Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, "I’ll have the chicken."

***

During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlour. "That was nice of them," he said.
She was unimpressed. "They only want me for my body," she grumbled.

***

My teenage brother phoned our mum to complain that there was no food in the house again.
She said she was sorry but that she'd been busy.
He continued, "There's not even bread." And then in more exasperated tones, "Even prisoners have bread."

***

Toddler walks by with a hammer.
ME: What are you going to make?
TODDLER: Noise.

***

Every time someone says, "I’m aware," I wait a couple seconds in case they add "wolf."

***

Last night I blew $5000 on a reincarnation seminar. I just thought to myself, "Screw it. You only live once."

***

You can't actually lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

***

My doctor told me that I need to lose some weight.
I said, “How?”
He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I asked, “What, pies, chips, that kind of thing?”
He said, “No, just don’t eat anything, Fatty.”

***

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.

***

Will I understand the sisteen chapel if I have not seen chapels one through fisteen?

***

I just want to be as tired at bedtime as I am all day at work.

***

When my grandson was four years old, he was a fussy eater. At a family dinner, his aunt asked him if he would like an olive and he declined.
"Have you ever tasted an olive?" she asked.
"No," he replied. "I don’t try stuff I don’t like."

***

Prepare your spouse for parent-hood by waking them up at 3 am to tell them it's not raining and then demand some cheese.

***

My son came home from a soccer match, and described the result as "We destroyed them nil-nil."

***

Feeling that I’d had a very productive day, I called my mother to brag.
“What’s it like having an awesome daughter?” I asked her.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “Why don’t you ask your grandmother?”

***

I’ve been single for such a long time now, that when somebody asks, “Who are you with?”, I just automatically reply, “Vodacom.”

***

A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the bank teller and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”
The puzzled teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

***

My very attractive 20-year-old PA came into my office, sat on the edge of my desk and asked if it was true that my girlfriend and I had split up.
When I confirmed it, she smiled and asked if I was ready to start seeing anyone else.
As a 38-year-old male, my ego was doing somersaults, but I questioned whether a relationship would be appropriate and I let her down gently by saying that it was too soon for me to be involved with someone again.
She smiled and said, “That’s a pity – you’d be just right for my mum.”

***

A farmer was wondering how many of his sheep had gone out to pasture, so he asked his sheepdog to count them.
“There are 40,” said the dog upon his return.
“That can’t be right,” said the farmer. “I only have 38.”
“I know,” said the dog. “I rounded them up.”

***

“I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”

***

“Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.”

***

“I thought we were friends, but I see you weigh less than me now.”

***

I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.

***

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching and she was horrified to learn that her mother had bought the exact same dress for the wedding as her father’s young new wife.
Jennifer implored her stepmother to exchange hers, but she refused. So Jennifer’s mother agreed to buy a different dress for the wedding.
“Are you going to return the other dress?” Jennifer asked. “You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother smiled. “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

de Beer clan

Shani Vavruch's de Beer clan met at de Hoop resort in September 2018

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Contact Petr Vavruch:
petr_vavruch at yahoo